Currently We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things By Jason Mraz A Beautiful Mess see related

quick update for u all...one in which i will add girth (haha, girth) to later :)

entirely too stressed...suck ass job...suck ass living situation...suck ass family....make that, suck ass family X 2

ive had a few private breakdowns...i dont need people seeing just how broken ive been lately...so i put on that porcelain smile and no one knows the better (which is kinda sad cuz ud think ur good friends would know when shit is wrong with u...or even ur sister...but no.)  It really is just me lookin out for me.

I feel my name...Crystal...i really feel transparent to people....ehh...one day...tryna hold onto the faith that one day everything will work itself out....

ok ill explain in great detail later....maybe.

Currently When The World Comes Down By All-American Rejects Hope It Gives You Hell see related

A quickie!

Hmm....i guess since it was my idea to get back into this xanga mess that i should provide you all with a lil update.  SOOO here goes...

I'm still doing the whole Youth Therapy thing....and while i cant lie and say i hate it (cuz i looove working with these kids no matter how angry and violent they get!) I can say that i feel my time as a Therapist has come to an end.  I'm missing that joy of life that i see soooo many people with.  I've thought about going back to school and furthering my education, but i haven't quite decided what to go for.  I am almost certain that I DONT wanna do social services any more.  Yes, i love it....but...i can't see myself making a career out of this.  I never went into Social work for the money (obviously), but i fear that if i dont change career paths soon that  i will never reach the goals that I have set for myself.  I've thought about going back to become a Professor of English or Sociology (not a teacher, a PROFESSOR), but I dunno if my heart is really in that either.  I've also thought about switching gears entirely and getting into forensics.  I dunno what it is about it, but I absolutely love the idea of it.  Yet, honestly, those of you who know me well know that i can have and interest in anything, but i only have one true love....music.  I may be talking about the same mess again, but hell, its all i really think about.  I DONT WANNA GO BACK TO SCHOOL...I WANNA DO MUSIC!! So if i go back, maybe i should go back for music....i dunno i dunno i DUNNO!  but i need to figure this mess out fast, cuz chicks not getting ne younger (26 in 1 month omg old age! lol!)

Lets see...yes yes im still writing and im still in the studio...i do what i can...keep on the loook out, im gonna make this mess happen.

Hmmm....oh oh...i wanna move (maybe i shoulda read my previous post before writing this one because i have a de ja feeling like ive written this mess already).  I was really thinking queens...cuz that way i could hit the studio more and be closer to most of my friends.  Buuuut....thats prob gonna be the long term goal.  Short term, i just wanna get the hell outta this house!  I cant rent here ne more...my landlord is a lunatic, and my sister moving in with me is driving me crazy.  I wanna be alllllone again!  Just me and my dog and my privacy.  Buuuuut....lets do the math here...Social Service job + brand spankin new car and car note + $24,000 in student loans to go +utilities +monthly cell phone, credit card (under 3000 thank u!), and gas payments = NO MONEY LEFT FOR RENT!! Seriously, if i dont find a new job i'm screwd.  I'll have to continue living here (cant beat $600 a month for rent!)....I keep tryna tell myself that God will find a way...its allll in his plan...but shiiiiiiiiit i've never really been an optimist...realistically...its not looking too damn good haha.....and to make matters worse, when i first got this job i still wanted something better....but turned down 4 yes FOUR other job offers (for more pay!) because i fell in love with the job and the fact that I really am helping these kids (which is one of the only things ive every really wanted outta life).  But now i feel like a bo bo and shoulda took one of them bitches hahah!  Oh well....no past dwelling :)

Guys u ask?  Well...i'm not gna say much about this topic cuz im not for counting unhatched chickens...but i will say thiiiis....there is a guy...there is mutual interest...and we shall see where time takes it

Lastly, i believe my shopaholic tendencies are getting out of control and I seriously need an intervention...I'll self intervene though....i got this people!  The good thing is that i pay my bills FIRST, then i shop lol...but no more no more...time to get serious and act my age .

Oh yeah....back to the job topic....i currently have 3 of them...which has me working 7 days a week...ewww...buut u know, u do whatcha gotta!

*****woooah i had to edit this sucka cuz i left out one huuuuuuuuuge aspect of my current life**** Did i tell ya'll that my father and i had mended our broken relationship?  i may have, but listen again....soo....i guess he had some midlife crisis and all his friends were dying....so he started being nice and all...now me, im like fluck it....i'll be civil....but i know this mess aint gonna last, and if he flucks up again thats it im done for life...but y not enjoy the ride.  And it was pretty cool...we got along pretty welll....smiles...gigggles...la la la telletubbies.  But of course, i'm right...dude loses his friggin mind over some dumb DUMB mess (me tellling him i dont have to tell him that i'm doing my brother a favor and him flipping out cuz, once again, i'm grown and dont need him...haha, **note, he wasnt too happy seeing me pull up in the driveway with a new vehicle...Crystal doing things on her own and not needing his help has always been his issue...damn dictator!)....Soooooo....I got a lovely email from him basically saying that i am satans spawn and that i am banned from seeing my brother and banned from the house and to stay away from his wife (my mom....man is a lunatic)...hahaha...i responded CIVILLY (can u believe that!?! mee, responding with civility?  well i did!) and said ok sir God bless you and your lovely family.  And his ass responded back rude as hell...sooo, i figured...hmm...for 25 friggin years i have bit my tongue and been verbally brutalized...NO MORE!! So i responded and let him have it...held nothing back...i was tired of taking the moral high ground to my own father....i had too tooo much built up inside killing me!  eating me!  destroying my sanity and things just had to be said....so i said them....and dont feel bad about it one bit.  But, what pisses me off, if that i tell my mother what happened...and she pretty much blames me...then she says you know how your father is, u know u have to walk on egg shells around him blah blah bliggidy blah...and im like shut up (no, i def did not tell my mother to shut up) just cuz the man is insane, doesnt mean i have to bite my tongue and take fault for what he does...no no sister!  So...she admits he is wrong...but get this...i ask her if she is gonna uphold his ban, and the woman says YES!  WTF!!??!! Yo, this woman has constantly let me suffer (wooah i cant even tell u the pain im feeling as i write this, i didnt realize just how hurt i still am by it all) cuz she doesnt wanna get into it with him...im not wrong...yet ur husband can ban me from seeing you and my brother and because you dont wanna get into it with him i get the raw end of the deal!?!  I didnt talk to her for weeks after that...i felt so broken and depressed...every day i would cry (shoot im cryin now damnit ) and my sister thought i was having a breakdown....you guys just dont know how many times this has happened...and ive taken it to the chin and kept it moving....but it builds up and breaks u down after a while)...So this girl (my sister) tells my mom...and my mom doesnt get it....and to this day we havent spoke about it...and maybe wont....i shouldnt have to explain something to her that she should already understand...time and time again putting your husband,....who u know is wrong...before your child...ugh....yo im scarred for life!  ...someone counsel me ....SOOOO long story short...i no longer refer to my father as such...he is now and will forever be Mr. P*****.  I do not want a relationship with him...nor do i need one...and my mother is on the track of being treated the same.   I've decided that, even if he changes his mind about the ban...i'm not stepping foot in the house the satan built....even if his asssssss dies, and my mother now decides its ok to come over...i'm not stepping one damn foot in that friggin house!  I'm too done...he wants to make the ban...she want to uphold it...they can both kiss my ass...and i'll uphold it for life...THERE!  No, this isnt the anger talking...ive thought long and hard about this...i'm not a yo yo...dont try to play me life one...all that up down up down crap...psst no!  Damn, xanga really is some great therapy...getting all that down made me feel good...one day i'll come back and read all this and be like awwww, suck it up sucka! hahahah!  TADA!!  The end!

aight im done!  LOVE LOVE LOVE!!

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Currently I'm Yours see related

i HATE that song If I Were A Boy by Beyonce...and Like a Boy by Ciara...and any other song that talks about what chicks would do if they were dudes.  The fact of the matter is this....shut the hell up already!!!  Myyyyy gooodness, these songs greatly play on gender roles...how guys "typically act" and how women "typically act"...u wanna know y u THINK u would act differently if u were a boy?  CUZ UR A DAMN WOMAN!!  Ur on the outside looking in...u dont have a damn clue how u'd act as a boy (and vice versa for that matter).  But the issue shouldnt be how u'd act as a dude...there is a bigger picture here people!  and ive already mentioned it....gender roles.  A lot of dudes go out and act like complete morons, shootin their seeds at unsuspecting women everywhere and movin on to the next hot piece of chicken waang because thats what they've been taught...this is what society says it is to be a "Man."

MAN- grow hair on your chest, sow your seeds, chug alcohol, scratch your balls, play sports, measure your dipstick, call after and ONLY after 3 days, curse like a sailor, burp, fart, be wild and date lots of chicks in college, dont get raped, etc.

Yes, i threw in dont get raped....do you know that for the loooooongest time our society defined rape as the carnal knowledge of a WOMAN of and against her will?  Men werent included in rape...men couldnt be raped!!  MEN are supposed to be super duper oober strong, sex crazed animals!! raaar!!  How can a man be raped?  Which is EXACTLY y those men who actually ARE raped are only 10% likely to report that rape.  Rape = lack of manhood.  Such a shame.

Whats my point?  SOCIETY creates gender roles...and what do we do?  Maintain them and make songs about them...

We've got to break down the notion that men have to be stronger than women, that they have to act like idiots and date oodles of girls.....u know the sayings "boys will be boys...thats what guys do, etc"  WTH!?!?!  Being a whore (yes men, you TOO can be whores), dating to the infinity and so on is NOT GENETIC!! Its not in the male blood to act in such ways....its LEARNED BEHAVIOR....gheesh, those statements irk the hell outta me.  ESPECIALLY when i hear women saying it!! HELLO!!!!!  U dumb bunnies are force feeding men the perfect excuse..."im sorry baby, i did it cuz u know, ima a man and thats what men do!"  No no boo boo, thats what men LEARN, ur butt isnt born that way...thus UNACCEPTABLE!!

STOP living up to the damn gender roles...no, a girl is not a TOMBOY if she likes to climb trees and play foot ball...what are u saying when u say this?  that these are genetically male activities...HELL NO!! These are activities that were taught loooooooong time ago that they were only for men...the same way men baking and liking to design and color coordinate and take time to make themselves look good has been considered feminine or SISSY and these men are laughed at for being "little women"

So the bitching about being a boy an saggin ur pants and treating ur woman like a queen blah blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaaaah....HELLO!!!! Men DO do this!!  SOME men arent completely bound by daddy society and live by the concept of separate spheres ideology (u dunno what that means?  sucks for u...quick break down... there are two spheres, the home sphere and the public sphere.  women are to stick to the smaller home sphere and men have the privilege of being able to travel between the home sphere and the public sphere...tada!!).  There are many men who defy gender roles and live how they see fit for themselves.  Hard to find?  helllll yeah its sometimes hard to find these men...but they do exist.

SO STOP BITCHING!! By talking about how u'd act as a guy (either literally or sarcastically mocking negative male behaviors) in some way you are saying that men should act more like women...caring, nurturing, loving, understanding, reasonable yada yada...but...psst....come closer....closer....CLOSER!!....SMACK!! NOT ALL WOMEN ACT THIS WAY EITHER!!  Hell, we can be just as raunchy, loud, whorish (though in society if men sleep around they tend to get high fives yet a woman does it and she is a slutty mcslutterson), scratch our asses, and curse with the best of them.  Are these behaviors unwomanly??  HELL NO...If a woman is acting this way...then it shows that women are capable of such behaviors...thus making such behaviors WOMANLY...gosh, def not rocket science.

MY FINAL POINT!!

Strip away your gender roles, do NOT  accept the notion of "boys will be boys" because this is giving guys an acceptable excuse for their behaviors.  Be you,  whether ur a male or female who climbs trees, bakes pies, play sports, or bang bang bang all day and night.   We've all got (well, most of us) brains,4 limbs, and sexual organs making us equally able to engage in the same activities and be sex crazed maniacs...Live how u want to live and tell society to kiss your him/her, he/she, him/shim ass!

I could go on and on about this all day...but i'll stop here....please feel free to comment with your thoughts.

My next post i may speak on what it is to be a "woman".  If i feel like it :)

Currently Chasing Pavements By Adele see related

nonsense

Signing in again...

nothing much has happened since my last entry.  Continue to work, continue to drive my baby .  Been a homebody lately.  I just dont feel like gettin dressed and going out, i realllly am starting to feel old for everything...isn't that pathetic!?!   Oye, i'll find my way back to me again lol.

Hmm...ex coworker love interest and I...i dunno whats up with that.  One month hes pumpin me really hard (NOT LIKE THAT U FREAKS HAHA) to hang out, but im super busy.  The next month we're talkin bout hangin out but never set nething....so i text him and say look u've got two weeks to plan when and where haha.  He's like lol ur tough.  And that was a week ago, havent heard from him since.  He's def a confusing bitch.  Whatever, im about to delete him from my phone (again, lol)...thus, i wont be tempted to text, and i can move it right along.

Did I tell ya'll I was planning big things for NYE?  yeah, dont make no plans for December 30th K thanks!

ehhh ok thats it for now.  And i dont think this lame entry deserves a quote so im not using one